Remote Control Device ‘Controls’ Humans

This device reminds me of the “Happy Helmet” episode of Ren & Stimpy where Ren is forced to wear this helmet that will make him happy (the show ends with the famous Happy Happy, Joy Joy song). The technology seems to still be early in development, but the future applications of a device like this are mind-boggling (literally). Imagine prisons where the inmates are forced to follow pre-defined paths from place to place. Imagine an army of soldiers controlled like units in an RTS like StarCraft. Imagine factory workers pre-programmed to operate as efficiently as possible in order to ensure consitent and safe operation. The next step is for an advanced computer AI to take over this technology and enslave the entire human race. We’ll all be dancing the charleston off cliffs in a matter of years, I just know it. Sure, it might enhance video games and virtual reality, but what if the games start playing us? Anybody remember when Freddy used the Power Glove on that rich kid in Freddy’s Dead? Yeah. Not cool.

I went and saw Serenity again this weekend. It’s hard for me to believe how great that movie is. I was surprised to see quite a crowd at the theater considering the movie has been there for about three weeks now. Any fans of the series/movie should check out The Signal. It’s a neat podcast about Firefly and Serenity. Last week they interviewed Tracy Hickman and this week is their first podcast with spoilers. It should be good.

I’ve been thinking recently about how Michael Uslan (executive producer of Batman Begins) spoke about surrounding oneself with supportive people. I think that’s important, but it’s not like everybody has to be supportive. I think it would be easier to simply un-surround oneself with people who are unsupportive.

I watched Oliver Stone’s “Salvador” last night. Great movie, though I missed some of the beginning because I had to have my tongue ripped out of my throat after the grand mal seizure I had during the opening sequence. Seriously, if you thought Pokémon was going to give you problems, watch the opening credits to Salvador. It’s like a strobe light with taiko drums over and over and it lasts for at least five minutes, or at least that’s how much time had elapsed after I picked myself up off the floor. I think Stone was trying to say something with this sequence… something like, “WATCH MY MOVIE OR YOU WILL NEVER KNOW THE TRUTH!!!!!” I’m just guessing that was the idea.

When James Belushi came on the screen I intially thought, “Oh great, there went this movie,” but he was actually pretty decent in his role. It’s a shame that the rest of his career hasn’t been as cool. James Woods was awesome and played his usual dickhead role perfectly.

Easily one of the most graphic movies I’ve ever seen. Don’t eat before, during, or after seeing this. Hell, fast for the whole day because you’re going to throw up at least once within the first 15 minutes either from the inevitable seizure or from the rotting, bloated corpses.

I’ve seen a lot of these types of lists recently, so I decided to write my own based on my own experiences.

1. Opening portals into the unknown is a very, very bad idea. If I’m standing around some lab and a scientist proposes this idea, I’m heading for the next ship off planet. This has been the premise of many games over the years and is getting quite old. Why does the portal always have to contain demons? What is it that draws these demons into going through portals? Oh yeah, I forgot, dumbass scientists. What if the portal opened and the Care Bears emerged? The “pandora’s box” theme definitely provides a catalyst for the story, but why not make a prequel that involves stopping these retarded scientists from making the portal in the first place? As you can see, I have a lot of questions. Questions that need answering.

2. Laser guns are the future. Every sci-fi game has to have a laser gun. Sure, they are sometimes renamed the “pulse rifle” or “energy gun,” but it’s all the same crap. In the late 90s it was an excuse to use colored lighting. Now I’m not sure what it is, but lasers seem kind of lame compared to, say, a portable grapeshot catapult mounted on the gunman’s shoulders. Now that is a weapon I have not seen.

3. Training super-soldiers by injecting them with crazy horomones, enhancing their genes, and exposing them to violent media will never work and in the end they will probably turn on you and kill you. It will be a massacre. You might even end up with a zombie infestation so don’t even think about roid-raging one more squad of death marines. I’m just gonna stop because you really don’t wanna go there. Keep ’em clean.

4. Forget about all the hipster wi-fi stuff we have now, ’cause in the future everything will have at least a dozen or so wires protruding from it in all directions. Even non-electrical devices like hammers and frying pans will not escape the wires’ wrath. Fear not, for you will never have to worry about tripping over the 3″ diameter cables that run all over the floor… unless game designers have that in mind for the next generation of games.

5. If you start the game in a deserted town, get ready for zombies. You will luckily find a gun (maybe a laser gun?) and some ammo nearby. I suggest you arm yourself to the teeth and find the richest house in town because the yuppy-ass living there probably knocked some container of zombination fluid off his yuppy-ass desk and is responsible for the whole thing. Never did see a street bum ’cause a zombie revolution and I don’t think I ever will.

6. Dying means you will explode into a pile of unrecognizable goop. It’s not pretty, but it saves on game performance. It’s for the good of nerd-dom, so do your part. Imagine the whole world slowing down just because you wanted your frag-ridden, carcass of polygonal waste to last on screen *just* until the end of the level? Nice try, but it isn’t going to happen. You’ll be gone within the next respawn, ass.

7. Just as we have crates all over the place today, there will be crates all over the place in the future… but they will be FUTURISTIC crates made of metal. Sometimes they are painted. I’d be one to trust these new, metal crates in favor of the balsa wood shit they gave us back in WWII or ‘Nam. When I wasn’t living inside one of those damn things during my time at the VC camp, I found that they offer little or no protection against gunfire. And stones. And aliens.

8. Computers are evil. Plain and simple. If some female voice comes on the intercom and tells you that everything is fine, she’s lying… if computers can do that… but anyway, she’s lying and she totally just turned off the AC on your sorry human ass. She also probably opened up some sort of inter-dimensional portal into the great maw of hell, but that’s besides the point, it’s fucking hot as shit in here. How ya gonna fight aliens/demon/zombies when it’s this hot?

9. As I sorta mentioned before, do not trust scientists. Scientists in sci-fi games are totally evil people and are bent on causing problems, not curing disease or creating edible airline food. Behind those Buick-fender glasses lies an asshole who left the engine running in the bad idea train.

10. Last but not least we have the aliens. I don’t care what game you are playing, aliens are evil. Humans on planet Earth have been conditioned through movies, comic books, novels, and videogames to believe that any and all off-world visitors to our planet are always up to no good. It’s like watching COPS but with the Zergs and the Druuge instead of blacks and hispanics. Every Wal-Mart trained teenager in this country who picked up a copy of Halo 2 and a BB gun in a bit of one-stop, roll-back shopping is going to bust some serious extra-terrestrial ass whenever the aliens decide to land. Let this be a warning to all you aliens who are hovering around our planet and mooching our wi-fi internet. You’re all doomed.

I forgot to post this here, but I made a map for the CSSW1 conference that took place at IU this weekend.

It was a lot of fun putting the whole thing together. I would have liked to have spent more time on it but I think I say that about everything I do. Just gotta leave it and go on to the next thing I suppose.